BIG CHANGES; BABY STEPS…

As I sat on my favourite seat, waiting for the bus to fill up, I had tears in my eyes- my mind, a large box; enshrouding the tumultuous battle my emotions were raging. I sought to find the strength not to cry in front of strangers, to calm myself down and not allow the sour thoughts in my head, cloud my reasoning.

I struggled with the aftermath of my wasted day and finally realized that I am an adult indentured to my existence on earth. I had now joined the long stream of unemployed Nigerian Youths looking for a job, whilst silently cursing their parents for not being filthy (I stole government money) rich. I had just spent the whole day, sitting at the reception lounge of a company, cap in hand, resume in my bag and an overstretched patient look on my face- and at the end of it, came out with nothing.

EVERYTHING CHANGES…

On the long drive home, I couldn’t help but be amused by the irony that during the concluding days of my National Youth Service Program, I chided my colleagues for being small minded and having no ambitions; deciding to stay behind, taking low paying jobs because they were afraid to struggle in the labour market……what a struggle…. and after one week I am going out of my mind and ready to quit.

I dread being redundant, sitting at home doing nothing, my phone and emotionally unstable mind as my companions, as I find myself becoming a ‘desperate housewife’, without being married. At least my lowly paid colleagues are keeping themselves busy and not growing lazy or fat, eating and sleeping all day long.

The town I left behind for a year looks the same but feels so different, as I interpret the subtle undertones of the situation, whilst trying to pick a suitable outfit to a scheduled engagement or find someone to talk to during the engagement. I fear I have become a shadow of myself, of who I was and how confident I could be in the face of cliques, circles and class. I never for once would have imagined that insecurity of any kind would creep into my mind and make me run from challenges.

I long to tell someone about the way I feel but then again, I realize that I no longer have that ‘significant other’ to talk to on the phone- I really don’t miss it- to pour out my fears and be assured that everything would be alright; and so I have decided to talk to my computer and believe that everything would be fine.

REALITY AND BABY STEPS…

Change is uncertain, crude, sudden, and measureable; and no matter how long or well you prepare for it, it would always be strange and spring up pools of fear in your mind and eyes- for it is what separates the present and history; what puts the ways of things unto pages of books on the library shelves. My life is changing, I am going to have to learn to really cater for myself, make decisions that might sometimes hurt and get used to talking to myself on my knees about my problems….am going to do it slowly, a step and a day at a time….but first of all, I would stop sulking and get a job (no matter how many company reception lounges I would have to sit in- patiently).